Good morning/afternoon/evening (delete as appropriate)

What’s Nelson Mandela’s so happy about I hear you reading?  Well, I once asked the great man over a pint what had kept him going during the 27 years of imprisonment and unfair suffering and how he was to remain so happy. He confided in me that the only thing that kept him going during those dark times was that he felt blessed that, inside jail, he was safe from rugby referee’s and their abusive piercing whistles. Oh lord I hear you now Nelly.

Saturday’s official holds the distinction of being the RFU’s number one rated referee from March through April 1982 until the computer error was discovered, the additional zero’s were added and he was sent into semi retirement. He became a largely forgotten about figure often recollected at pub trivia nights or whenever anyone was finishing the sentence “you know, it could be worse……” a response to whit made popular in the 1990’s. Miraculously he was taken out of his box, dusted off and sent to referee Saturday’s excite-athon between Bede’s and Boxtin.

What did the match look like? Terrible. What did it sound like? This;

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep , beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Many of the forgotten penalties of yesteryear were back in vogue. The normal infringements of “hands in the ruck” or “not releasing the ball” featured prominently however Bede’s were also penalised for lesser known things like;

·        Grabbing someone’s jersey

·        That smell that appeared just before half time

·        Breaking stride

·        The 1980’s

·        Tackling too low

·        Catching

With so little actual game time allowed between the penalties there was a very real threat that the game may in fact never end. It wasn’t long before the guys were dreaming of mud baths in Littleborough or Stockport the “city of colours” and realised that things really weren’t that bad.  

Well a pretty ordinary end to what was a great season. The second team under the great captaincy of Simon “wafer/The Nazarene” Atherton finished a credible 5th in the league and quarterfinalists in the cup. Firstly much should be made of Waf’s captaincy. He has done well in turning a group of boozers into a credible rugby team as well as organising everything for little to no acknowledgement. Thanks Waf.

There’s been a lot of ins and outs from this team during the year. Some of the people who have been fixtures during the season and deserve much of the credit for the success include Jimmy Bloor and the evergre….opps sorry Richie “always green” Waterworth who were easily the best halves combination in the comp. Lets not forget young Jez Connor whose season seemed to end quite early for reasons that I have probably forgotten. In the pack Mick “Sammy” Samuels had another great season and capped it off by winning player of the year, a thoroughly deserved award.

Stevie Kingston came back to the two’s early in the year and again much of the success of the season can be credited to him. He certainly has helped many of the other backs particularly this scribe learn more about, and enjoy this bloody game. Indecently, Steve also caused many AWKWARD moments for opposition. Awkward is not a word you will hear used by grown men too often. Kingston had the audacity to use it in front of me yesterday during the AGM. In time he will regret this.

The two’s have also benefited during the availability Terry “TNT” Chatterton. It must be a pretty crap Saturday if you spend it having to tackle Terry all day. Whenever Terry wasn’t around then, unfortunately for opponents Rhodri would appear and the status quo remained. Dave “ski trip” Mezsiiils played a lot of rugby for the two’s this year and single-handedly destroyed other team’s lineouts with his consistent steals. Bobby Scott will be bidding farewell to bede’s this year and his loyalty and friendship will be missed just as much on the field as off it. He combined up front with the big hitters and heavy carriers of Jim O’Neil, Al Edwards and Matthew Keeling who all played very well all year. Keeling in particular dominated men much older than himself. Who has a big future? Keelo!    

Wingers Pat Coyle and Rory “I appear to have no surname” Blank combined for a million tries in a handful of games. All round good guys Pete Fizon and Jack Hanifan popped up every now and then, always playing well and adding to the change room banter. Martin Coupe and Tom Stock were on the scene for a while and the two’s benefited from their efforts, boozing and experience. Andy Medic and Rhodri played many good games early in the year until they had to trade hurting people for healing people. Tim Cleasby, Ben Chem Eng and Alex “the Scottish kid” MacMacoughgghhhgh who between them took it in turns to be the thorn (read shoulder) in opposition fly halves sides (read ribs/head).

Simon Dorey won clubman of the year and rightly so. His contribution throughout the year was enormous and the twos were always a much better side with him in it. Although, his directions to Buxton were described by an unnamed Bedian as “hopeless”. Furthermore Pie Head said he’d never follow Dorey’s directions again.

Big guy Arron Thomas can’t be forgotten. When available he wears his big heart on his even bigger sleeve. Arron’s attempts to reclaim his “best dressed” Bedian award from last years winner Jonathan Swift were not successful as this award was stolen by Aussie Mike who went back to basics and used a tried and tested formula of skin tight jumper/ t shirt combo to romp away from the field and claim with the award. A popular victory methinks.   

The two’s would like to thank Will Metcalfe and John Jones for bringing “chopping” to the club, the committee who organised everything for us and the bar staff who help us get hammered.

Out of the exotic Far East corners of Didsbury the mysterious text message issued:

Was I available? I had, as of this week, cleared my diary for the next 20 years in the hope that my unprecedented levels of availability would be the spark that reignites my smouldering linesman career. It was to be an “availability-led” recovery. Disregarding the very real possibility that several more capable and mentally fit linesman had already turned down the invitation, I RSVP’d with a resounding YES and made my way Moorside.

Gamewise Bede’s got off to a cracking start care of lock Thom Stock’s knee which broke early in the game necessitating a further forward reshuffle that saw another winger head into the pack. This blow was compounded moments later when H.Moor ran a try in against the run of play. Things could have got bad here but fortunately Bede’s kept their heads. Giant second row “Sam” Samuels started orchestrating from the front willing his pack to throw themselves at Moor without fear. Sammy choose to exemplify his spirit at the expense of the Moor pack’s “hardman” who was taken care of in the most gentlemanly manner. Understated but not underrated flanker Tim Cleasby and new forward Jack Hanifan had sensational games from this point on. Although perhaps giving up some weight against their rivals they were lightyears in front of them in terms of guts and ability. Man of the match Hanifan took to his new position of flanker like a choko vine to an outhouse making consistent heavy carries and heavy tackles.

Richie Waterworth started playing the tune behind the pack to kick Bede’s into some lovely field position helped by some determined passing by young Jez Connor who gave his all in tough conditions. Great defence by the backs meant that that Moor couldn’t climb the mountain that was getting out of their twenty two. Eventually turnover ball and simple hands through the backs led to a nice try to winger John Klinger.

This recipe was followed with great success throughout the rest of the first half. Good kicks, gutsy defence and pressure and then the deafening roar of Matthew Keeling screaming for the ball and smashing through some solid hits to slam the ball down. A great try Kilo. Bedians finished off the half with a great charge down and try by to workalcoholic Dave Meedvils who capped another gutsy display with the usual five lineout steals.

It was about this point that Moor lost their composure with the referee’s decisions. Heaton Moor were good at playing the victim in much the same way a midget is good at being short. They tried arguing with everyone and everything. Personally I tried my darndest to be to stay focused on my duties while the young Hoor terriers yapped at my heels, forensically probing the details of my touch line decisions: boot marks, lineout throws and various out of bounds paraphernalia. They held fast to a claim that he had been the receivers of a stitch up and would not be placated. Perhaps they had forgotten the dubious decisions that cost Bede’s the cup game played here a month earlier, refereed by a member of their club, or a try scored during that encounter that could be as unsportsmanlike at best.

In the backs it was an entrée of stiff defence and a main course of raging bull running. Centres Steven “hotlips” Kingston and Terry “TNT” Chatterton were at their brilliant best in defence putting some very good hits in. They created good opportunities for their outside backs of “pistol” Paul Denton who showed his class with some great distribution and running and wingers Klinger and Stanaway who only needed a glimpse of the line to set them on their way.

Late on Moor hit back the only way they could with a chip over the top and a lucky bounce. This put them within one point. As the game wore on tired defence on the blind was spotted by Rich “hawkeye” Waterworks who put “Terrifying” Tom Stanaway in space. The Moor winger couldn’t get his mouth closed quick enough to make the required tackle. Stanaway then pirouetted around another would be, stepped inside a was gonna be and finally stormed over a will never be to score a fine try. 

The game was finished off with a touch of class from hooker Pete “radar” Fizon; calling a lineout move, receiving the ball from the jumper, breaking through the line by himself, drawing about four defenders and capping it off with an effortless no look flick pass to find Jim O’Neil who was chasing him up like a shearers dog. Jim then made a strong carry to touch the ball down. A very good moment for both guys. Waterworth converted into the breeze and not long later the ref blew his whistle for approximately thirty seconds to signal that another Bede opponent and their high hopes had fallen like a limestone deposit in a lonely cave. Great win guys.

Old Bedians travelled the short distance to Heaton Moor in an upbeat mood as they attempted to get one step closer to cup glory. Bedians travelled with only one substitute after the usual last minute cry-offs. Despite this early setback, spirits remained high & Bedes got off to the perfect start. Bedes put in or Moor’s, it made no difference as Bedes enormous pack sent the Moor scrum backwards at a rate of knots. The total forward dominance soon told from an early lineout. A good throw from Schofield was taken well at 2 by Alex Cochran who fed the ball to Stock to set up the maul. The ball was quickly worked back to Aaron Thomas as the maul gained momentum, culminating in Thomas crashing over the line to give Bedes a 5-0 advantage. Waterworth added a touch of flair to the try by converting with a drop goal from the touchline to extend Bedians advantage.

Soon after this, Moor showed their first signs of being an attacking threat in the backs, whilst their forwards continued to be pulverised at every opportunity. Disorganisation from the Bedians defence as they chased kicks ahead began to cause us problems as Moor’s counterattacking began to find holes in the doglegged defensive line. Some heroic defending kept Moor out, highlights including a spectacular kick, chase & tackle from Bedians head master Simon Atherton. Moor’s first try came as Bedians again forgot to defend as a line against the opposition counter attack. A clean break from their fullback left everyone for dead but a gutsy chase from Bedes full back Gallagher brought the man down just 5 metres short but unfortunately a supporting flanker took the offload & scored to bring Moor back into the game.

Bedians then started to reassert the authority they had shown in the early stages. Several driving lineouts, powerful scrums & pick & go’s were brought to an end by cynical play from Moor forwards killing the ball. The referee seemed reluctant to sin bin any of their players or give the penalty try that should have been. The ref eventually reached for his pocket after Jim O’Neil & the opposition lock engaged in what appeared to be Greco Roman wrestling. Once they’d finished rolling around on the turf, the Moor lock was sent to the naughty step for consistently throwing his toys out the pram. The pressure eventually told as promising young prop Mick Samuels finished off another driving maul by touching down over the whitewash. The half ended on a sour note for Bedes as the Moor centre snatched a lucky interception to race under the posts to reduce the deficit. This blow was compounded when winger Simon Anders had to leave the field with a shoulder injury to be replaced by Jez Connor.

The 2nd half started well for Bedians with penetrating runs from Ade Mac & Aaron Thomas gaining Bedes some good ground. Frustratingly for Bedes, whenever Bloor fed the ball out to the backs, the opposition were defending in numbers with Chatterton’s surging runs frequently shackled by 3 men. The reputation of the dangerous Bedians backs clearly preceded them & there were few opportunities to get the ball further than the strong running Kingston at 12.

Play stopped midway through the 2nd half as Moor were awarded a penalty & a Bedians player lay injured. Presuming the referee would wait for the stricken bedian to get to their feet before allowing the play to continue, we made the mistake of turning our backs, whilst a Moor player took the penalty not from the mark & raced under the posts unopposed. By the time Bedians realised what had happened, we were behind for the 1st time in the match & the injured Bedian still lay on the ground receiving treatment. Furious appeals were waved away by the ref who lost his rag with Atherton & awarded Moor a penalty from the restart. Bedes tried to assert their authority back on the game but were desperately unfortunate to concede a lucky interception against the run of play to fall 10 points behind. Up to this point, Heaton Moor had not scored one try that wasn’t off 1st phase counter attack or interception ball much to Bedes growing frustration.

Shortly after, covering winger Jez Connor dived on a loose ball only for Moor’s morbidly obese prop to perform a cynical knee drop right into Jez’s back. More outrage followed from the Bedian players as the Moor Fatso was sent for 10 in the cooler but a red card would probably have been more appropriate. Jez bravely got back on his feet after a short stoppage but he had little option as Bedes did not have the luxury of substitutes….

Penetrating runs upfield from Thomas, Mac & Big Bob Scott interlinking with great support from Bloor gave us good field position. The familiar pattern of driving mauls & scrums on the Moor line eventually resulted in Mick Samuels barging easily through 2 Moor defenders to bring Bedes back within 5 points of the opposition. By now, it was all out attack for Bedes but unfortunately neither luck nor the ref were on our side. After good runs from Mac & Stock, the ball was offloaded to Shrek who broke into the opposition 22 before being brought down. At this point, 2 Moor defenders jumped on top of Shrek, smothering him, presumably in an attempt to get intimate. Rather than penalise Heaton Moor for diving over the top/killingtheball/being gays, the ref penalised the helpless Shrek for holding on. What on earth was he supposed to do?! This pattern repeated itself which had the result of nullifying Bede’s key attacking weapon & increasing our anger at a ref who’d clearly lost the plot. One more lucky break off 1st phase gave Moor another try & a final scoreline that flattered them. The final whistle brought heartache for the Bedians & the usual smug self satisfaction from Heaton Moor. Whilst disappointing to be out of the Cup, the 2’s still represent Bedians best chance of gaining some silverware this season. An unbeaten league run from here on in would give Bedes a very good chance of promotion & interestingly, an away fixture against Heaton Moor still remains, a fixture in which Bedians will be going all out for revenge!

High on the hill lived a lonely goatherd.  Yeah I know what you’re thinking, so what; lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo. But perhaps there’s more to this story then the nonsensical refrain thrown at us by the Von Trapp family. I mean it seems like an odd choice in retrospect. What drove this seemingly decent man to the high hills? Was it the goats? Lord I hope it wasn’t the goats, that’s not what God wanted. Maybe it was a panic attack? Perhaps, and this might have been something the Von Trapps didn’t think of, it was that their incessant torturous singing about every little thing that entered their empty heads that led him to the mountains. It was a time of war it was no time for singing folk songs you hippies.

Well in any event both parties missed an entertaining rugby fixture at Bede Park that finished as follows;           

Old Bedian Battleaxes 53 (Pat Coyle 2, Mike Gallagher 2, Simon Dorey 2, Rory Kawolski 2 Vince Betty tries Pat Coyle a number of good goals) defeated Sandbach Stingrays 8 (blah)   

Saturdays game can be filed under S for success. We got the win and with a big cup tie on the horizon, we didn’t lose too many people to injury. Many Bede’s are blowing out the cobwebs after a well deserved holiday break and again it was another up-tempo match to help us in this area. Again Bede’s took the game in their stride and did the little things right. The forwards laid the platform and the greedy little backs cashed in on the hard work. 

The game could be described as fiery. There was a lot of niggle. Normally reserved all round nice guy Jim Bloor did his rag at their more than annoying flanker a former welterweight boxer who has experienced 27 knockouts throughout his career, as well as the 2 that he apparently inflicted on his opponents.   

The forwards as usual broke down the opp. Unicef flew in their european delegates to access the devastation caused by the pack. Big hitters like Coupe, Dorey and Jim O’Neil had a field day and this was backed up by strong efforts from the rest of the pack with stong running and tackling by Cochran, Kerr, Big Aaron Thomas and Ben Davies. Dorey went on to win the man of the match by the length of the straight with an inspirational all round performance.  

Former child actor and now bedians flanker Dave Meetles star of hit teen comedy/dramas like “Silly Billy Don't Touch That!” and “When Two Grown ups Love Each other” played well again whilst the only sad note was that bedians lost Sargent Slaughter Samuals to a bad case of having to referee before he could inflict his will on the game.   

There was some strong finishing in the backs from exciting wingers Rory and Pat and some good running and supporting from Kingston, Gallagher, Atherton and Betty. Just like ground hog day the halves combination of Bloor and Waterworth was again too classy for the opposition.   

Well just like an untalented drummer, I’m bang out of time. A quick reminder Bedians that tomorrow is national typewriter day, so make sure you buy a ribbon (stop it, typewriter + ribbon, ho ho ho).

Oh and one last thing in closing. Ladies and gentlemen are you concerned about dry skin?  Are you worried about lines and wrinkles? Going a little nutty cause you didn’t get your daily dose of pentapetides. Well go and visit a burns unit and get some perspective you maggots.

Hi and welcome to the Bedians match report. If you’re a first time reader can I suggest you start with something a little easier like a children’s book or a learn to read as this report might be a bridge to far for you.

Anyhow this is just a quick report. The game could be summarised as thus:

Old Bedians Bees 42 (Pat Im-Onderbaq 3, Ricky Watersworth 2, Mikey Gallagher, Terry Chatterton tries, Pat Im-Onderbaq a fair few goals Deadeye McGallagher Goal) def Rochdale Wranglers 14 (who cares tries, somebody from their team goals)

Great game played by bede’s in actually decent enough conditions with pretty fair refereeing. Hmm. It’s too long ago for me to remember who I hated. After conceding the first try the bede’s went on to score fairly regularly to take the match without ever looking like collectively that they got out of first gear. Although I don’t think any of this mattered to the visitors Rochdale. In fact I wonder out loud with you right now whether they have even the vaguest idea of the scoring system used in rugby. At no point do they ever surrender even behind by 30 points with a minute to go. Tough old critters.

 Anyway although everyone played well there a few bede’s who deserve special mention.

Fly half Richie Waterworth had a superb game. Richie’s place in the Bedians hall of fame is a no-brainer but he’s far from accepting accolades like that yet. Waterworth had all the cards showing a majestic swerve and step, good tackles and sublime general play kicking. Early in the game Waterworth tried to sling the ball wide to the greedy outside backs all for things to go pear shaped at the final hurdle. But like American football great OJ Simpson says ”if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself”. ”Great advice” Watersworth probably thought and then swerved his way all the way to the line to score a very nice try.

The forwards were outstanding. Line-out specialist Dave Meesel killed the opposition again.  Aaron Thomas made many crunching tackles and forced turnovers all day. Matthew Keeling continues to dominate older and more experienced opposition and teamed up with big bruiser Jim O’Neil to physically abuse Rochdales pack.

Stevie Cook earning his first cap threw himself into everyone and everything. Tim Flanker is Mr Everywhere and got through his mountain of work and Garry Anderson made sure a few of their boys had an uncomfortable couple of days in front of them with some bell ringing hits.

Last but by no means least Mick Samuels had a completely authoritive afternoon. Often I will see Sammy chasing opposition players whilst laughing his head off. But laughter is only a simple ”s” away from slaughter and as far as I can see Sammy enjoys one just as much as the other.

In the backs it was business as usual. The back three of Waf, Aussie and Pat are combining beautifully. Pat Im-Onderbaq’s three tries deserve and will receive special mention. The kid showed many of the different finishing skills.  Two scintillating long range tries plus a neat little dart close to home set really captured our imaginations. Pat showed an even quicker turn of pace to get the hell out of bede’s before he had to do his jug duty. 

Lastly no match report would be complete without a mention of half back hot shot Jim Robert Bloor. Here’s what Brian Ashton, England head coach and Emperor from Return of The Jedi might have said. ”I believe Jim is the future, treat him well and let him lead the way. Show him all the boozing he posses inside”.

He apparently went on ”Jim’s vision at the scrum base and ability to find Richie Waterworth in a sea of traffic is borderline rainmanish. His clean up’s around the ruck save us a lot of points”.

It was the turn of the men from Alwinians to visit Fortress Millgate Lane this last weekend and Captain Simon Wafferton was again able to field a strong and balanced line up.

Bedian’s this week elected to run out to a stirring orchestral arrangement of land of hope and glory ‘cut’ with pomp and circumstance. With the patriotic score still ringing in their ears Old Bedian’s took to the field thoroughly confident they would dismiss the men from the less desirable parts of Manchester who currently reside at the bottom of the table.

Who killed Shergar? Where is Lord Lucan? These are some of the great unanswered questions of our time. Another question that has remained unanswered and has defeated some of the greatest thinkers of our time was however finally answered on Saturday afternoon. It was proved beyond all doubt that it was most indeed the Alwinians tight-head that had eaten all the pies. During one spirited rucking episode the big slice from Aldwinian’s received a spot of over zealous 'shoe pie'and witnesses swear that the welts on his legs actually bled gravy.

In the opening exchanges it became all too apparent that, ‘Bed-pan’s’, pack were in a different class to a man to their counterparts and that the Bedian backs were blessed with far too much thunder and lightening for the hapless but game visitors. Bedian’s from the off tore into Aldwinians with their power runners. Messer’s Martin ‘the cold fury’ Coupe, Simon ‘tea or coffee’ Doratron and evergreen enforcer Mick ‘ground control to Major Tom’ Samuels all making bullocking inroads at will.

Versatile hooker and southern belle, Peter Fitzsimmons, playing the game at scrum half, fed the evergreen Richie ‘Siddy Smith’ Waterhorse who directed affairs with aplomb from No. 10. Bedian’s physical centre pairing of Steve ‘oh isn’t he smug’ Kingston and Terry ‘all aboard please’ Chatterton repeatedly clattered into and often though the defence which produced quick ball for the Bedian’s back three to gorge their greedy little hearts out upon.

Rory ‘the wing with a nose for the line’ was first to cross and the scores rattled up steadily thereafter, with Michael ‘the teacher’ Gallagher’s slashing solo run perhaps being the pick of the efforts. Alas poor Michael’s big ol’ engine soon ran out of steam soon after his heroics and his afternoon was prematurely curtailed as he disappeared from the field to vomit.

All too often passes were being forced once the gain line had been breached and Bedian’s should have tuned around at the interval at more than four tries to the good.

After a short interval where Bedian’ss energy levels were replenished by cartons of Kiaora and strawberry Cornettos, the second half got under way. And once again Bedian’s were soon dominating all aspects of the game.

Sporting a front row of Bobby “can you guess my hobby?“ Scott, Andy “shit-hair” Schofield and Jim “are you really a vegetarian” O’Neil, things were always going to be difficult for the opponents.

In fact the Aldwinian’s scrum was literally obliterated. And it was indeed a literal and not a metaphorical obliteration. To illustrate this point further I shall provide an example of the use of 'literal'. During a recent episode of X-Factor an un-fancied act gave a performance well beyond that which it was thought he was capable of and with it reignited interest in who was going to win the competition. Simon Cowell commented after the act that said performer's performance had “literally set the cat amongst the pigeons”. It obviously had not and Mr Cowell should have known better.

Anyhow….  the Aldwinsins line out was continually terrorised by Coupe and Alex ‘the man with the Edinburgh burr who is fond of knitwear’ Mitchell, and they were “time after time” (song title copyright of C.Lauper) being smashed back in the physical collisions.

Rory the wing capped a fine afternoon scoring a series of terrific tries that took his  day’s tally to four, Steve ‘oh isn’t he smug’ Kingston barrelled his way over for a fine score and Martin ‘cold dead fingers’ Coupe had the honour of touching down after the pack had driven over the line from 10 yards out.

The opponents were not helped on the day by selecting a fly half incapable of kicking the ball beyond 12 yards and thus being unable to clear his side’s harried lines. To Aldwinian’s credit however their heads never dropped and they played with commendable spirit right up until the final whistle.

The game ended with the scores 58 – 0.

A show of hands after the game revealed that over half the Bedian’s team did not own a Beautiful South album, thus casting doubt upon the common assertion that 9 out of 10 households in the UK own at least one Beautiful South album.

This match report was written brought to you by Martin Coupe in association with exciting breakfast cereal ‘Curiously Cinnamon’ (formerly known as Cinnamon Grahams).

Hi my name’s Mike. You might remember me from such match reports as “I’d rather go to jail than to Stockport”, “The unknown army of Lieutenant Colonel Harland Sanders” and “Caldy, I just can’t hate you…yet”. I’d like to invite you to sit back relax and enjoy this weeks match report or alternately you can bugger off and do something else. No pressure.

World War I was a muddy war. Its sequel World War II did for Europe what Empire Strikes Back did for Star Wars only less recently. It was started by a German man whose resemblance to Charlie Chaplin began and ended with the silly moustache. History speaks that Hitler was much less hilarious, and Chaplin far less prone to using concentration camps as part of a plan to dominate Europe. Hitler's campaign of total war ended in 1945 in the mud’s of mother Russia. So too did the Bedian run of fortune end in the mud of Littleborough. Although the Bedians are the good guys in this story.

For so long we’ve played such an attractive brand of rugby. But as tends to happen to those blessed with a particular brand of sporting genius, the Old Bedians star flared brightly for some time, then burned up in the earth's cruel atmosphere, turning into a meteorite and crashing into the mud of Littlebrother and, witnesses say, injuring four.

Oh Littlebora. You’re no Caldy. What a miserable God forsaken pitch to play on. For the first time in my life I actually feared drowning during a game. The brave Old Bede’s arrived to survey the pitch to discover to the considerable bewilderment that the field was more like a garden. So small was it end to end that I’m certain if the 17 of us linked arms we would have covered the whole pitch.  

The game was a stop start affair thanks largely to the lineouts caused by a narrow field and the clueless refereeing. I have long known the Jesus’ plan is for me to spend a little time with every single dumb person on earth. Saturday’s ref was proof that even in the muddy pits of hell; I was not to be spared.

Bedians tried to play rugby. The big brutes of Lil’borough tried to unscrew our heads. The boys played well. And because I was a little rattled after Friday’s exploits someone else can fill in the game replay. I honestly can’t remember much.

I’ll quickly take over, only to say that we managed to score first in both halves through Rhodri Harris and Michael “Swede Rothwell but unfortunately the pitch had obviously specially designed to accommodate Littleboro’s negative style of rugby and every time Bedians looked to spread it wide to the sprightly backs of Coyle, Gallagher and Atherton they found that actually there was no more rugby pitch as they had crow-barred a football pitch in place of the rest of it. Littleboro managed to grind 1 more try out in the first half and despite bringing on fresh legs Bedians could not find enough in there mostly hungover bodies to keep up their fine performances of late.

Even with the pitch accommodating those who can’t run more than 40yds without getting out of breath, the referee appeared to spend the game desperately far away from where the actual action was resulting in several dubious try decisions, allowing 1 that shouldn’t have stood(for Littleboro) and rejecting two that should have stood(one each side).

And now back to Mike:

In closing can I just say if there’s a time and a place for bathing in men’s filth it certainly wasn’t 4.47pm last Saturday. I haven’t been that disappointed since Disney’s production of The Diary of Anne Frank on ice. Now that was a conceptual nightmare. So are baths for muddy men.  

The resurgent Old Bedians 2nd XV continued to gain momentum on Saturday as they pursue league & cup glory, in fact that momentum is growing so fast, they are verging on the unstoppable, just ask this weekend’s visitor’s Buxton 2’s. By the time the Bede’s were finished with them, as they were sat in the club house, they resembled hurricane victims sheltering for warmth in a local community centre.

The Bedians gathered in good spirits ahead of the game as Bedians Headmaster & Captain Simon Waferrio the 2nd ticked the register as his willing pupils turned up for duty. One such pupil scanned the team sheet & was heard to say “That pack is a weapon of mass destruction”. Indeed it was, as it included 8 long established Bedians, a front row of Al Edwards, O’Neil & Keeling, Mick Samuels & Stock (& 2 smoking barrels) at lock with a back row of Coupe, Dorey & Darius ‘Ribs’ Thomas, a total weight of approximately 133 stone! The backline were no novices either with R & B impresario Jim Bloor Shakur at 9, Ricardo Waterworth at stand off, Rhodri Harris & Chris Green in midfield, Pat Coyle & Wafferio out wide with Australian Badly Drawn boy impersonator Michael Gallagher, providing the last line of defence at fullback. A host of excellent substitutes waited in the wings before making crucial contributions, more on that later.

The 1st half began well for the Bedes as they made early yards by forcing the opposition into making errors with rock solid defence. Young prop Mick Samuels continued to show great promise as his Bedian career develops, he continuously charged at the Buxton pack with ‘Don’t mess with me’ written all over his face. In fact ‘don’t mess with me’, whilst being concise & to the point, seemed a bit of a waste as Sammy’s face could comfortably accommodate War & Peace. The pack began to show their potential when after 5 minutes, O’Neil picked out Stock in the middle of the lineout & a 40 metre driving maul followed. Soon after, Waterworth chipped a perfectly weighted kick over the Buxton defence which bounced & fell into the grateful hands of the onrushing Harris. A try for speedy winger Pat Coyle & one for Simon Doratron soon followed, with 2 of the 3 converted. These 3 tries came in the first 15 minutes but they were followed by a period of frustration for Bedians as unforced errors & poor discipline led to a series of scrums, lineouts & penalties for the opposition. However, the home side’s defence stood firm & an attempted penalty kick at the goal represented Buxton’s only realistic chance of troubling the scorers. At half time, the team regrouped & discussed tactics for the 2nd half. It was agreed, that with a little more patience, discipline & using the backs at the right times, they would be able to seriously pull away from Buxton.

The half time team talk seemed to do the trick as Pat Coyle again crossed the whitewash after the ball was worked nicely through the backline. Not wanting to be outdone in the race to buy a jug, Doratron soon doubled up himself after good work from Edwards & Thomas put him clear to race home in true Forest Gump fashion. At this stage, the Bedians were nearing full tilt & trying out some interesting moves, for example, number 8 Martin Coupe galloped through several would be tacklers inside his own 22 before bizarrely opting to chip & chase but his objective became clear as Buxton’s shot sized winger gathered up the ball before being judo thrown several yards into touch by a gleeful Coupe. At this stage of the game, Bedians had something like 95 % possession of the ball but far too often they tried one pass too many, a wayward kick or a knock on & had to start from scratch but whenever they did put a few phases together, it was T.R.Y time. During this period, both Thomas & Waterworth scored to bring the try tally to 8 with 20 minutes still to play. At this juncture, headmaster Wafferio decided to sacrifice himself for debutant Rory Fastman(Underwood). After a fine day’s work, 2 try winger Pat Coyle was also replaced by Welsh Wizard Jonathan Griffiths.

These changes bore immediate fruit as Bedians won a lineout deep inside their own half, gave it off the top to Bloor from where the ball was swiftly worked out to Rory who received the ball on his own 22, roughly 2 seconds later he’d scored, I kid you not, the kid is FAST, just ask Jim O’Neil, it was all he could talk about post match. Indeed, Rory’s team mates appeared to be blinded by his superhuman speed as they nominated him to convert his own try despite his protests that he wasn’t a kicker, Rory missed, lesson learned. A painful looking shoulder injury to prop Al Edwards sadly brought an impressive all round performance to an end but as they say, every cloud has a silver lining… Edwards’ exit paved the way for super sub Alex Mitchell to take the field. After being arguably the best player on the pitch for the full 80 on debut against Rochdale, Alex must have been disappointed to start from the bench. However, he did not show any signs of this with an exceptional performance in the last quarter of the game as he covered every blade of grass making tackles, turning ball over, making yards with ball in hand & having a hand in the last 2 scores. The introduction of Alex meant that Samuels moved up to join O’Neil & Keeling in the front row, with Thomas moving to lock, leaving a backrow pairing of Alex & Coupe. Pairing? I hear you say? Dorey was MIA at this point after being sin binned for a persistent team offence of hands in the ruck. Dorey can feel hard done by being binned for this offence, as Thomas had been responsible for pretty much all previous hands in the ruck penalties. In retrospect however, this represented excellent Jug avoidance by Dorey.

The 14 men of bedians soldiered on, determined to finish the game with a clean sheet as they tackled their hearts out. A man down, they still dominated in all areas, with the sublime running of Chris Green searing through the Buxton tackling as he linked well with Gallagher to leave Griffiths in space. Griffiths still had a lot to do with 3 Buxton defenders in front of him but a fantastic sidestep & dummy combo sent the Welshman under the uprights for try numero 9. The peace loving, mild mannered, anti-war protesting Griffiths uncharacteristically lost his cool about 2 minutes later when the opposition flanker appeared to upset him… One punch to the Buxtonian’s chops later & Griffiths was sent for 10 in the cooler after being restrained by Samuels, Thomas, Coupe, O’Neil, Keeling, Gallagher….the list goes on….

Bedes were now really up against it in terms of keeping a clean sheet as they were down to 13 so it was decided to bring on some fresh blood as young Akeil Flemming came on to win his first Bedians cap in place of Harris. Flemming made a significant contribution, showing a good turn of pace on the ball & making a try saving tackle in defence. Luckily, Bedes were soon back up to 14 as Dorey returned from his spell on the naughty step.

There was still time for one more try as the Bedians pack rumbled the ball forward & won phases as they had done all day, before Bloor released the backs through Waterworth, Green, Flemming, Underwood & finally Gallagher who put the icing on the Bedian cake with a sauntering quickstep under the sticks to bring up the 58 point mark before converting it to end the day on a nice round 60. In the words of Waferio, “Another stonking win” for the 2’s. Let’s hope they can take this form into next week’s crucial Cup showdown with Wirral at Millgate lane. There were several contenders for man of the match; Dorey, for his tries & hard yards, Coupe for his big tackling defence, Keeling for his omni presence at the breakdown, Green & Harris for their work in the centre… everybody played good on the day but allround Jim O’Neil topped the bill with unerring accuracy in his lineout throwing, yards with ball in hand, strong tackling in defence & most notably several turnovers at crucial points. I think we all learnt a very important lesson here today; “Buxton, good at water, bad at rugby”.

Previous contributor Mike "Aussie" Gallagher would like to point out he had nothing to do with the above and would like to distance himself from comments made about Mick "Sammy" Samuels face and would appreciate if Sammy would vent any anger in the direction of Tom "Gully" Stock.

Good morning and thank you for reading,

As a rule, I often avoid going to Rochdale, but considering I was sober and there was nothing on TV I thought “hey what the hell”, it’s time for to grow up and make an exception. I found the town to be quite pleasant although seemingly and disturbingly infested with scallies. But if you scrape away the crust and have a couple of ciders you’ll discover Rochdale has many wonderful things to offer. Good looking bar chicks, lovely amenities and a rugby club coincidently called Rochdale Rugby Club to name but three.

More about the girls later. Let’s write and read rugby.

“Maverick”(c) and “Goose” (vc) once sang that some broad had lost that “lovin feeling”. The same too could be said for the Bede’s over the last couple of weeks. Last weeks game had left a sour taste in everyone’s collective mouths. This week there was just a much happier vibe. You just knew it could be a special day.

Initially eyebrows were raised when the referee turned up on his push bike. You get some strange ones in this league. I don't envy referees in much the same way I don’t envy animal impressionists, although while we’re on the subject, the guy who played Gollum and King Kong you’ll have to agree was very good. As was the young kid who ref’d yesterday.

From the kick off Bedians literally detonated. The forwards charged into contact led by out of favour but in-form lock Stock whose athleticism and high levels of fitness allowed him to make many great strong runs and telling tackles, big Mick Samuels who smashed the opposing pack and dictated the terms and man of the match Ashley “not so mini anymore” Thomas. I never found out what the big centre from Rochdale had done to upset young Thomas so. He absolutely crunched time after time. At one stage I honestly thought he’d popped him, so audible was the release of oxygen from the big man’s lungs.

The other forwards were like scavengers. Rochdale never had a minute’s peace. Pat “Gosling” Doherty is beginning his climb up the ranks and tackled his heart out. Andrew “Salmon” Bridge did his trademark big leap in the air and also some great carries. Surprisingly quick that Bridgy and possesses a very good pair of hands. Newcomer Alex Mitchell was very gutsy and made some fine contributions in both attack and defence.

Andy Medic was his usual efficient self, stealing line outs, chopping down second rowers and launching himself at opposition. It came as no surprise to us but probably a great surprise to Rochdale that a typically harassing display by Andrew caused a loose ball which he dived on to open our account in the early minutes.

This was followed up quickly and repetitively. The Bedians were not playing against poor opposition. Rochdale were very tough and up for the contest, but there isn’t many teams who could have matched us in this mood. In all 45 points were scored in the first half. With tries coming from the very impressive and devastating finisher Simon Atherton (c), ball playing backrower Alex Mitchell, the aforementioned Andy McPartlin, speedster and all round nice guy Jack Hanifan and three from Mike Gallagher.

The teamwork that created these tries was something special. It’s impossible to go through them individually because it would take too much time. All were created not from individual brilliance but from great teamwork with most of the tries featuring upwards of ten passes with forwards and backs supporting and linking together.

In the backs fly half Richie Waterworth had a really good game, directing traffic, setting up tries, making tackles and landing his kicks on the spot. Time after time Waterworth effortlessly beat defenders to send outside backs on their way. Inside centre Steven Kingston has made a massive difference to this team in particular his defence against the big Rochdale centres was outstanding. Charismatic scrum half Jim Bloor plays as an extra forward making many tackles in and around the ruck and turning over possession. His vision and direction allowed the Bedians to maintain their attacking flow.

At half time the referee went away and had a glass of milk and a sandwich and the Bedians busied themselves taking in liquids after an electrifying first half. Unfortunately as is often the case the job seemed done and we switched off a bit early. This allowed Rochdale to put some pressure on us and cross for a few consolation tries.

As you are already aware light has a tendency to travel at the speed of itself. This means that a beam of light travelling a distance will arrive at the same time it began. Well if it’s good enough for light then its good enough for Bedian centre Chris Green who travels at the speed of himself, FAST. Thankfully Chris was able to rely of this pace to score the final try of the game and close out the match for the Bedians.

Bring on Buxton.

The Old Bedians match report; this week with 85% more actual rugby reporting(ish).

This is a week of firsts for the match report as it’s the first time I was drunker playing the game then sitting down on a Sunday morn writing the report. 

When the brothers Wright first invented the aeroplane in the heady days of the 1800’s one wonders if they realised that a little over 100 years later the Apollo 11 would land on the moon and Neil Armstrong (c) and Buzz “Buzz” Aldrin would plant the American flag in it's moon crust. It’s highly unlikely. That sort of detail, particularly the astronaut’s names would have required some enormous precognitive ability.

One too may speculate whether or not the makers of the modern day whistle really intended it to be used as a tool of evil and blown in such a loud and tedious fashion by a referee that, god bless him, seems to have lost touch with the realities of the world around him. How many penalties did he blow? That’s not for me to speculate. However I will, and it was a lot. I’m talking about thousands. But the referee was a rodent of contrasts. Quite capable of seeing things happening on the bottom of rucks under sixteen forwards yet oblivious to the continual gutless high shots on Richie Watersworth.  

If I told you the score was 6-5 you might think it’s a game not worth reading about, I say might because there’s no way for me to be certain of what you’re thinking. But you’ve already made it through the astronauts bit so you may as well stick it out. True though it wasn’t the greatest advertisement for rugby. As I write this I’m informed by captain Simon Atherton (c) that a crack squad of police and forensic experts and combing the field looking for clues as to how that victory escaped us. Mostly it was a case of execution not matching effort.

I touched on something there, lets explore it; effort. This week saw the usual massive effort from Bede’s. The game started to plan and, aside from the penalty count, things were fairly even. The Bedian forward pack started to dominate their rivals in all areas early on. The lineout was a totally one sided affair with great work coming from second row Dave Maestro and Andy McPartlin who between them won almost every lineout on both throws. Out of favour but in-form lock Stock (and two smoking barrels) made some good runs breaking the opposition line and showing his potential.  His efforts were backed up by number 8 Aaron Le Ribs while prop Matthew Keeling made sure his opposition props had a really miserable day.

Bedians suffered a blow early on when superb prop Peter “pug” Wall had to be replaced with what appeared to be a neck injury. It was great though that his replacement was first team regular Jim O’Neil who ensured that there was no respite for the Ashton scumbags. Running in to the teeth of the gale in the first half meant that Bede’s struggled for field position. The game was kept tight meaning that the outside backs were frustrated at having little opportunity to either attack or defend.

In these tight exchanges nimble centre Steve Kingston showed his class and his ability to beat defenders off both feet. Like a good bottle of wine Kingston keeps getting better with age. In much the same way some of the other backs are like good bottles of wine in that they keep getting drunk. At one stage the referee checked his watch to discover to his horror that he hadn’t blown a penalty in over a minute and duly awarded one to Ashton in front of the sticks which Ashton converted. No idea why. Ashton 3-blot

The rest of the half played out much the same way, with Bedians working hard and the game being played to the incessant tune of the ref’s whistle. Towards the end of the half another hotly disputed penalty saw Ashton race ahead 6-blot. This closed out the half. The second half saw the Bede’s running with the gale at their backs. This whole half was played in enemy territory. We dominated the tackle contest, rucks, scrums and line outs yet a combination of penalties and last passes meant we couldn’t get that elusive try.   

People tried their guts out though. Excitable scrum half Jim Blew bloored his opposite number off the park. Bloor’s cunning makes him a nightmare for his traditional predators like the back rower and his strength is very man like. Pete Fizon was his usual dangerous self and like a two bob junkie tried to inject himself everywhere, Wafer Atherton (c) and super sub Daniel Dave Davis came close to scoring and more great runs came from forwards Stock, Anderstone and Ribs meant Bede’s got it together to allow young prospect Pat Coyle to score in the corner.  

Unfortunately that was the last score of the game. Latin exchange student Ricardo Waterwortho launched, and I do mean launched, a field goal late in the half that missed by only a narrow margin. This closed out the game.   

Yes indeed. Rugby, it certainly gets your feet a tapping and your fingers a clicking. I hope you've enjoyed this walk down millgate lane and join me or someone else next week won't you for another pointless match report. I'd or they’d certainly appreciate that a lot. Goodnight.

The headlines

·        Santa admits his whole “story” DOES sound a little creepy if you put it that way.

·        And girls, still hot. Fact.

But first, the sport.

How many times can you make up a stupid story of Wafer Atherton (c) picking 15 names out of a hat and assigning them positions on a rugby field and vainly try and make it amusing or at best, interesting. My best guess is not many. So without further carry on I’m going to skip my traditional Wafer (c) intro and head straight to the match report. That might not be everyone’s pint of tea. If this is the case well, I’m afraid you can sit on it. After all, I’ve got the conch piggy.  

Today’s sermon is the book of Des and is the parable of the ant. Although small, the common garden ant is said to be able to carry up to 5000 times its own weight, however in theory it could carry much more if it were bigger. Ants are allegedly quite pleasant insects but get them in plague proportions numbering in their millions and you’ll find they are decidedly less so.

Unfortunately much like their distant cousins the “midgets” of the humanoid world, rumours abound that ants can be seen working in cells, listening to aggressive “rock” music and plotting the demise of us “normals”. So ants; friendly, tiny but strong insects worthy of our respect or power crazed monsters hell bent on world supremacy. Somewhere in the between I believe lies the truth. Ironic though wouldn’t you say, that truth be found lying to us all. Particularly over such a trivial matter. The message though, I think, is clear; little things are to be feared as are for that matter all forms of volunteers.  

The name Sale Rugby Club means many things for many people. For me to appease this hoard by trying to define it would hurt my brain much more than my hangover is doing right now. Lets just agree that they exist and that at some point, you may engage them in the sport of rugby.

This week was a tough old test for the Bedians. Sale fancy themselves and aren’t afraid to show it (the bunch of pounces). The early exchanges were fairly even although the Bedians looked all the more threatening. The original fear was that Bede’s might be exposed in the lineout but this didn’t occur. Bede’s forwards more than matched the Sale pack with particularly fine games played by props Matthew “tank” Keeling and Pete “tank” Wall while second row Stewart Crabb and flanker Alex “the bearded wonder” Cochran both impressed on their debuts.

For much of the first half the Bede’s looked the slicker outfit particularly in the centres with Terry “TNT” Chatterton and Jack Hannifan both showing some slick skills. Early in the second half some great defence at the scrum base by outstanding halfback Jez Conner forced the Sale flyhalf to kick the ball wildly off the ground like a dirty coward. This sailed straight across the field to Jack Hannifan who neatly popped off to TNT Chatterton for a lovely five pointer which was converted by drop goal artist Richie “Hugo Porta” Waterworth. Bede’s in front 7 blot.

Sale basically lost the plot at this stage. Declan Sealy had to leave the field with a broken beak and one of their players was sent to the bin for a unprofessional foul. From the ensuing penalty Waterworth took a quick tap and fed Stewart Crabb for a great try. Bede’s 12 blot.

The first half finished with Sale coming close once from a disallowed push over and another time from a sneaky kick that was cleaned up by Bedian superstar and former hip-hop artist E=MC Bloor.     

The second half saw bede’s lose a little momentum through lack of reserves and an uncharacteristic high error rate. The game was kept tight frustrating the Bedians outside backs but working into the hands of Sale who had been able to make key replacements in the forwards and bring on fresh legs. Sale used this to their advantage to drive over from close range for their first try. Full credit from Bede’s though for keeping Sale out for that long with determination in defence. Bede’s 12-5

Bede’s continued to rally as a team and fought everything thrown their way however couldn’t do anything about the ref who as a member of Sale’s rugby club was salivating to do something for “his” boys. No surprise that a penalty try was awarded in the closing stages to hand Sale a draw that they didn’t deserve. Bede’s know that they could have played better but on the bright side are proving they are more than a match for the good sides of this league even when not playing well.

Until next week then, and presumably long into the future, I have been, and in all probability will continue to be “Aussie Mike” saying hi! (waving of hand).  

Well he’s young and he’s hot, and this week 29 year old flu sufferer W.S Atherton (c) had a dixie of a time sorting out a team after his stocks were raided by the ones. God I’d hate to walk a mile in Wafer’s shoes. Firstly the cramped restrictions on my toes would be almost unbearable after a few hundred metres and if that isn’t enough the tightness would play havoc with my blood circulation and more than likely lead to my feat simply dying.

And now readers, back by popular demand, the actual report of the match.

Caldy are a team that, try as I might, and lord knows I’ve tried, I just can’t hate. They’re a very good strong side all over the park and today Bede’s knew they were going to be in for a tough encounter. The opening exchanges saw both teams feeling each other out. There was a degree of tension being a cup game and all. Solid hits were exchanged with Arron Thomas and Matthew Keeling throwing some big whack on the opposition however nobody could claim to have the upper hand. That was until the 18th minute when a loss of possession saw Caldy expose the Bedians lack of numbers on the short side to thieve a try.

Normally this might be a cue for heads to drop. But not this team, no not this team (shaking of head). This team is really starting to come together and went straight back with renewed vigour and determination. Things soon started to come together with the forward pack dominating the lineout contest yet again thanks to key jumpers Ali “James” James and Dave Muscles while in the backs Terry Chatterton was giving the opposition backs a terrible time with his trademark smash and grabs.

Bedians were able to keep their composure for long periods of time yet so often it was a last phase turn over that saved Caldy when a it looked for all money like Bede’s might score. In the 34th minute things finally came together with good ball provided by the forwards and quick hands in the backs leading to Simon Atherton-Jabez (c) being put into space. Some quick thinking and a lovely deft kick by Atherton-Clegg (c) saw English Mike Gallagher finish off and slide over for a try. As seems to be the case for Bede’s, as soon as we score we almost invite the opposition to do the same. So it was like a poorly arranged surprise party for a cousin you don’t like when in the 35th minute Caldy predictably scored their second maximum to close out the half.

Starting the second stanza behind clearly didn’t faze the Bede’s. They started to play some attractive rugby with Pete Fizon really showing some great rugby ability and athleticism including a great kick restart combination with Bedian youngster Andrew Bridge. It’s easy to liken young Bedian Bridgey to salmon; you know, the fish. As you know both Bridgey and salmon are rich in omega-3 and will go to great distances to spawn but more than that they can both also jump terrifically high in the air to take kick restarts.

Eventually as the game wore on Caldy’s younger bigger pack started to slow down thanks largely to the efforts of Andy Medical who exhausted himself after throwing himself into every ruck and maul. This played into the hands of people like Mick Samuels and Arron Thomas who started to inflict some serious sting on the opposition that had spectators wincing.

The backs really started to look good. Centre’s Terry Chatterton and Chris Topher nee Green made many good incisions, Jack Wing injected himself where possible, evergreen Richie Waterworth pulled off an amazing cover defence tackle to add to his great general field kicking and Jez Connor showed all his class in keeping the distribution as smooth as silk and cleaning up some tough ball. In The 59th a nice run by Chris Green led to some quick phase play and led to “Pommy” Mike Gallagher, watched on by his mentor and X factor finalist James Bloor, scoring his second try in the corner to put Bede’s noses in front.       

After this, with the tense situation and some bizarre refereeing, the game got a little stop/start. Some people enjoy a stop/start affair but if you’re anything like me well then there’s a good chance you’re a clone made in a test tube from stolen DNA and I urge you to turn yourself in for immediate destruction. Go on tubey you sicko, get in the incinerator.

That’s about all I can remember which considering the celebrations after “our” boys did over le frogs last night is a minor miracle.  

This week is clean up the country week at Old Bede’s. If you, your spouse or significant other are currently committing a crime call me  immediately and let us know about it. Incidentally, for our readers “on the continent” please ensure you called us an hour ago.  Honestly Waf why do you let me write these reports?

Jesus Christ once turned water into wine. Oh it was quite the miracle. The kid did alright out of it too what with his fancy robes, designer beard and book deals. But for every hot shot deity there’s always a handful of unsung miracle workers. People like Mother Teresa, Colonel Sanders and Simon Atherton (c) who this week turned 30 drunkards into two very competitive rugby sides. It’s not an easy job for all I know.

What a difference a week makes. Bedians were red hot for revenge this week after last weeks demoralising pantsing to Stockport. Unfortunately Burnage drew the short straw of being on the end of Bedian wrath. This week Bede’s did all the little things right. Preparation was perfect and everyone was focused on what they had to do. Happily this focus was taken out into the game and right from the off it was clear that it was going to be a blue day for Burnage.

The list of try scorers is long and I’ll prove it by listing it now. Mike Gallagher and Rhodri Welsh both scored doubles, with further tries coming from the deadly Wafer Atherton (c), prop Jim O’Neil who showed the speed and swerve of a centre, Arron Thomas barged over from close range, man of the match Jez Goodplayer snuck over, Mathew Keeling smashed his way though for a maximum, Richie Waterworth scored after terrorising Burnage with a bagful of dummies and teen heart throb Jim De La Bloor charged over late to complete the hiding. 

But it wasn’t so much about how much we scored it was more about what we let the opposition do. It wasn’t about individual performances, every player on the field contributed. The defence in close quarters was outstanding with Prop Pete McScouse second rower Ali James and flankers Andre Scofield and Dave Measles slaying any would be attacker. The forwards as a unit totally outmuscled the opposition and cancelled out their intention to maul it up the field.

The set piece performance was particularly pleasing. The backs looked deadly whenever they had the ball. Chris Topher playing his second game for the club made some great runs and Declan Sealy made good ground with the ball. The support for runners, as a team, can only be described as outstanding.

The determination to not be scored against was perfectly highlighted by Man of the match Jez Goodplayer who made a crunching, try saving cover defence tackle that would make any highlight reel and was described by club guru Des Pastore as “good”. Bede’s are now back to playing good rugby. It was a performance long over due and one which would have beaten any team in this league. Next week’s game is against Caldy in the cup Lets try and get this same team out hey.

I’d like to finish this week with an open letter to Colonel Sanders.

Dear Colonel,

Re: your 11 secret herbs and spices

Clearly one of them is salt. You’re not fooling anyone. You have 10 secret herbs and spices. And which army are you in?

Yours in chicken

Aussie Mike

Grey is this seasons new black, and what better way to show it off than to splash it all over every piece of architecture in your town, and so with that said readers I welcome you to my report on the visual treat of Stockport, birthplace of dull. 

The Stockport 3’s are Britain’s answer to the All Blacks, assuming the question was very badly worded, and boy did they play to their reputation. In this league you can sometimes play poor and still win or maybe push teams with a close game. When playing a team like Stockport you must be on top of your game. Unfortunately Bedians collectively were a little off.

Once again the Bedian army was left with last minute no shows meaning The Right Honourable Wafer Atherton (C) had to take players from an already depleted third team. This meant that there were no reserves for the forward pack which was a concern late in the game.

Right from the kick Bedes looked unsettled. It wasn’t long before Stockport raced over their opening try. It started to appear that Bede’s might be in for a long day. Bede’s went right back at them with second row’s Ali James and Dave Missles launching their bodies at the Stockport pack. Sloppy turnovers however meant that Stockport scored a couple more tries in quick succession but like a pack of crack addicts cheered on by peanut gallery full of nutcases, it was clear they wanted more and more.

Bede’s started to throw some heavy artillery back with forwards Mick Samuels and Jim O’Neil popping the ball under their wing and charging at the opposition. It was during this time that Bede’s started to get their familiar groove going and some excellent field position but this was often wasted by errors and turnovers.  

Although outplayed for much of the remaining game there is every reason that players can take heart that they had the guts to put themselves on the line. To a man they put their hand up and tried nobly to turn the tide. Man of the match Atherton made many big tackles, centres Chris Topher, Rhodri Welsh and winger Dec Smeagoly valiantly tried to tackle their way through the endless stream of traffic flowing through their channel. Dave Kay walked the walk to play on whilst injured which is a credit to himself. Jez Youknowhim kept a cool head to keep the distribution at the base as smooth as while the scoreboard kept regularly ticking over.   

Bede’s can take credit that unlike their last two losses, they weren’t the better team on the day. The boys will be looking to put this loss behind them and put on a big show for their home crowd next week. In closing, if you live in Stockport and are travelling abroad tomorrow, I'm not the least bit surprised.

Coming Up Next Week: Bird Cages: cruel and unusual, or really not that bad? Outspoken Bedian Jim Bloor has his say.

The Old Bedian 2nd XV travelled to sunny Altingham on Saturday hoping to build on an impressive start to the season. Unfortunately the brave Bede’s were handicapped by some last minute cry off’s. A hotch botch job was done by Waffa Atherton (c) who stapled together a team with no reserves. Flankers were playing centre, full backs were playing scrum half and wingers were playing wing. It got that crazy.

Right from the off Bede’s got a taste of what the big boring Altughim pack intended to do as they rolled a maul from roughly halfway only stopping to put the ball down over the try line. Bede’s struck back almost immediately with Australian import Mike Gallagher crossing after some great lead up work from Gaz Anderson. Unfortunately more sloppy defence saw Altspamham cross for another leading up to the break.

The game got a little sloppy at this point as turn overs became the new big thing. The Bedian forward pack showed a lot of heart to scrum all over the much, much fatter opponents with a lot of hard work done by front three Ashley Thomas, Pete Fizon and Pete Wall. Dave Meisel was immense in the lineout keeping the door shut on our own throw and stealing many of the oppositions throw while his fellow second row Chris Hethrington, playing like a loose forward, was inspirational.  

This hard work put in by the forwards paid off for the backs as fullback Chase Lindros, earning his first cap, was put into a gap the size of something big to put the Bede’s back in front. Unfortunately young Chase was soon off to ward 4 of the Manchester Royal Infirmary exposing Bede’s lack of bench. Albethlehem’s grey tops got wise to the man advantage and crossed for another try. You’d be right in thinking that being behind and down to 14 players would dampen the spirits of this Bedian team, but you’d be wrong.

Like proud wounded rabbits the Bedians refused to surrender with centres Terry Chatterton and Martin Oldmate literally throwing themselves at the opposition. Try scoring dynamo Simon Atherton defended like a warrior and unpredictable winger Kit Firbank popped up everywhere troubling the opposition. With five minutes left Richie Waterworth gently caressed over a penalty and the Bede’s poked their noses in front. Bede’s desperately tried to hold on but unfortunately with zero seconds left the Alabamaham’s number 8, with hands the size of dinner plates, imbedded the ball over the line to steal the game.

Nothing can be taken away from the effort of the Bede’s on this day. As was said by some drongo from the opposition after the game “if we can beat those guys, we can beat anyone”.  It’s probably true you know.

Old Bedians 2's 32 Holmes Chapel 2''s 22

Holmes Chapel came to Fortress Millgate after impressive victory in the previous week however Bedians were also riding high after their similar exploits. The game looked to well matched and the action was end to end in the opening exchanges.

Bedians pack despite only two players surviving from the previous weeks seemed well drilled and took all their own line outs as well as making some impressive steals. This usually followed by an energy draining rolling maul. Bedians continued to use this tactic to good effect. This tactic led to Bedians first try excellently taken by hooker Pete Fizon. Holmes Chapel immediately replied using the same tactic and despite some industrious work by the Bedian pack the Chapel scrum half slipped through to score under the posts.

Bedians scored twice more in the first half, one more for Pete Fizon and a debut try for Fly Half Stuart Bailey. Again miscommunication in the Bedian defence allowed Holmes Chapel to find their back line was running against two props and sliced through to put them within 3 points at the break.

The 2nd half was much more of the same as Bedians scored and then lapses in defence gave Holmes Chapel hope when Bedians should have been pulling away. Joint Men of the Match Stuart Bailey and Pete Fizon scored a try each and flanker Andy McPartlin contributed the final try through a thunderous drive over the line.

The backs will be looking to be more involved next week as this was a game won by the forwards and with genuine pace in the backs with Mike Gallagher and Kit Firbank Bedians will only go from strength to strength.

Old Bedians convincingly beat Manchester 4ths this week in the first game of the season at 'Fortress' Millgate Lane giving new captain Simon Atherton the start he was looking for. 

Bedians were quick out of the blocks and put Manchester under a huge amount of pressure, but could not quite put the finishing touches to some good forward play led by Mick Samuels. Manchester showed good determination in the tackle but it was Bedians ill-discipline which allowed Manchester to clear their lines again and again. 

Just before half time Bedians finally made the break through with fly half Ritchie Waterworth chipping over the flat Manchester defence for Paul Denton to run through and drop on the ball. 

At half time Bedians could taste blood and knew there was more to be had however despite this Manchester came out the stronger and appeared to have renewed vigour. Straight from the kick off Manchester burst through and it required a heroic tackle from Simon Atherton on the wing to stop the bulldozing Manchester prop. Shortly afterwards Manchester’s pressure created a try and the teams were level. 

Bedians began to look tired and what had seemed like an easy first game was looking tougher by the minute. It required a bursting run from full back John Griffiths to break the deadlock and regaining the lead seem to give Bedians a second wind. The ball was fed more to the quick backs and Dan Gardiner and Kit Firbank combined while for Dan Gardiner to squeeze over the line. This opened the floodgates and scores followed from Jim Bloor, Ritchie Waterworth and Mick Samuels. Manchester’s heads went down and the final two tries came after they had been reduced to fourteen through injury.

Bedians will be looking to repeat there endeavours next week when newly promoted Holmes Chapel come to Millgate Lane.